This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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