I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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