I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
