Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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