His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
