you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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