Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
