god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Randomize
