She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
