I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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