How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I party with great urgency now.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
