Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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