i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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