WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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