what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
