the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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