i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
