a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
