If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
