Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
