my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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