I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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