Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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