My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Randomize
