u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Are we still banned from the library?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
