shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
