apparently the secret to your success is patron
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
