haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
