her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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