Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
