i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
