Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize