Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Randomize