I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
