I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
