four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
