I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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