The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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