the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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