Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
