I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
