I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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