does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize