Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
