We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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