gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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