Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
