Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
