just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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