we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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