are you so shy because you have an std?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
