hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We are all done wearing pants today
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
