if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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