my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
