Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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