I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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